11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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