I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
