i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
