Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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