You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
