Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just invented taco cereal.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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