i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
