What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
