i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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