i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
