when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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