Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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