Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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