I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
