It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
