he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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