Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
