I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
