I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
