how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
