she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
