She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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