my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
