Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
