woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
