god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
