Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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