I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I lost the right to judge tonight
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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