dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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