'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
