dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
