What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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