you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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