I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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