I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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