Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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