Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
