Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
