Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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