Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
