like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm always down for nudity.
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