You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
