It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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