Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Is Oprah even human
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
