I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
