Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
