Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I pour the whiskey from now on
The Olympian is in my bed
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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