Your mouth is God's brothel.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
