Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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