Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
