I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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