Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
